I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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