Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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