You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
