In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
