did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
