I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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