I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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