textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
