Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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