That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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