I love black thongs
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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