That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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