wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I'm really busy with my period
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