you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
