How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
