Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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