Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
