I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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