i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
