I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
