I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
