How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
