I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
