I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
