i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
