She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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