if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
that may or may not have been my penis.
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