FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
