my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
