tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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