I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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