I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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