I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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