If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
