Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
