i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
