my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize