Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
