just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
