some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
