I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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