the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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