Too much gin, very little bucket
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
