I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
