just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize