i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
i drank out of a bidet.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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