Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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