just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
