"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
