i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
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